A few years back, when I had my Atlanta practice, a man came to see me who was a singer...
Kind of a famous guy -- been in the business about fifty years.
I was kind of touched that he came to see me. I asked him...how did you find me? He said -- I looked on the internet -- I googled 'the best'.
Ah, flattery, flattery.
So now he is in my office.
Try as I might to act as professionally as I know how after about a million years in practice,
I stumble over my words.
I am self-conscious.
Now we are in the treatment room.
I put acupuncture needles into his back.
Turning to walk out the door, my foot catches on the treatment table support and I fall.
Onto the ground.
Onto the carpet.
Right next to the treatment table.
Flat on my face.
Now if you were at the hospital, in the operating room, prepping for surgery....
and the surgeon came to talk to you and then fell on the floor...
flat on their face....
Well....it would make you lose confidence in them, right?
For me it was shame.
Shame!
What a loss of face (ok, pun intended) I felt (and experienced) by falling on the floor, in front of my patient,....
Face down.
Flat.
I wish I could say that this was the first time I fell.
Okay, well, it was the first time I fell on the floor in front of a patient.
It was the first time I fell on the floor at my office.
But it was not the first time I have ever fallen.
And in my life....I have fallen a lot.
I stumble, I fall.
I try, I try -- I am awkward, I stumble.
I fall.
I am no longer a closet fall-er.
Now you all know.
But you know, we all fall.
Everyone falls.
Everyone on this planet falls.
The planet falls as well.
Orbit is made of falling in forward motion.
Orbit is made of falling on your face, again and again.
Shame!
What this means is -- in order to stay in step where you are meant to be in life -- in the universe, orbiting the sun, as it were, you need to fall on your face again and again.
Like me.
Stumble, fall.
Make mistakes.
Embarrass yourself from time to time.
Years ago I was perfect.
I am sorry to say that I am no longer perfect but I wish you had known me then.
It makes us humble.
To stumble.
I fall on my face every day.
I hope you fall on yours.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Thursday, October 2, 2014
I am not afraid of Hell.
If the worst thing we can be is to not be ourselves;
If our greatest sin is despair...
If Dante could describe two souls in Purgatory as doves -- then he has not yet decided that they are guilty.
If beauty can move us to tears...
If we are, none of us, perfect --
and we all understand that none of us are...
Then we are, ultimately, all together.
And as for the fire and brimstone....I, for one, will be okay.
Because I have marshmallows.
If our greatest sin is despair...
If Dante could describe two souls in Purgatory as doves -- then he has not yet decided that they are guilty.
If beauty can move us to tears...
If we are, none of us, perfect --
and we all understand that none of us are...
Then we are, ultimately, all together.
And as for the fire and brimstone....I, for one, will be okay.
Because I have marshmallows.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Fishing & The Hospital Bed
Yesterday they brought a hospital bed into my father's house
. .
Of course, in the past few weeks he has been declining and now he doesn’t have the strength to get up. But he did try, anyway.
And of course, he fell.
Dad has always been so independent…wanted to do things his way….so now he is being offered containment. With high rails on the sides, it is his worst nightmare:: a hospital bed.
The guys from hospice took apart his own bed–the same one that I crawled into when I was
young and had nightmares. The same bed where I slept with my mom when he was on a trip. That very same bed that contained a marriage….two marriages.
That very same bed was disassembled and put into the garage, next to the forty years’ worth of
dusty immunological journals and bales of bubble wrap, broken fishing poles and my grandfather’s tools and thousands of pounds of beautiful, precious rocks…some for cutting and polishing and some just to have.
Releasing forty years of medical journals or a few rocks, after all, requires that we open up that hole and make ourselves a bit vulnerable. It requires that we relinquish complete control. But is there anything that could make you feel a greater loss of control than you 'd feel when total strangers disassemble your bed and carry it into the garage, piece by piece, and put something else in your room: something with rails to contain you?
A few days ago a young woman I know suddenly died. At home, just after her children went to school. She didn’t have a hospital bed. No bed. No hospice. No hospital.
Just gone.
The way I see it, a hospital bed means hope. It means that you are privileged to live at least one more day.
When I was five years old I used to go fishing with my father. I was his pal. We would leave very, very early in the morning with a car full of gear, his thermos full of coffee, and a bucket full of worms– or minnows or cheese balls or wheaties balls or whatever folks said was working to entice fish in those days. We would arrive at the lake, the channel, the river, the pond…any and all of them…in the dark, unload some gear and traipse, hand-in-hand, through the chill and the misty morning marsh mud, settling on a spot from which to cast our lines. We would arrive before the light and walk together until we found just the right spot.
Just…the…right…spot.
I never noticed the chill.
Dad cast out the lines. I watched the bobbers: little red heads going up and down, and
again…and time to pull in the lines…a silver flash. Sunfish! Bluegill! Perch!
I was a great fisherman – for a little girl..
The first time dad was hospitalized he wanted to walk from the car to the hospital together. So I parked and we walked hand in hand towards Admissions. To both of us, at the same time, came the memory of the fishing trips. (We mentioned it to each other just after they took Dad’s blood pressure.) So funny -- because to me, once again I was five, with my hair in pigtails and my father with poles and bucket in one hand and his little daughter in the other. But that time we walked together.
Into the hospital.
When you are fishing, you know, you cannot really tell a fish that it is time to bite the line.
As much as you try…you close your eyes and hope. You call to them in your mind: “C’mon little fishie…c’mon big fishie...come find my line…bite my hook….c’mon…” and if I were a really good little fishie I would swim really really fast -- in the other direction. And yet, we try to get the fish to bite...that is why we devise such ingenious inventions as Velveeta cheese balls and Wheaties balls and multicolored lures…
Somehow we delude ourselves into thinking that we can control the fish.
That we can control the outcome.
But what is the thing that we really love so much about fishing? Is it the reminder that we are not in control? Is it the understanding that you are there, still as the earth, part of the wind? You and your line in the early light, in the morning sun…quiet, quiet.
And if the fish comes, then it comes.
It is the beautiful reminder that it is not anything that we really do. It just happens.
So yesterday my Dad got this hospital bed. Last night, during the night, he got out of bed, against strict orders. To do this, he had to climb over the railings. He climbed the railings, this time in the dark.
He really doesn’t like to be contained.
My father had someone dial my number. He said, “It will be soon now. I know. I have been called.” Everything is clear now. I am not afraid.”
If you have ever fished, then you know that sometimes you wait and wait and wait in the early dawn, when the fish are hungry and jumping but none come to your hook. Not one. So you leave, you pack up your things, you trudge back with no fish in the net. And a bit of a hollow feeling of loss. Or perhaps no feeling of loss.
Sometimes you really do need to accept that it is not all in your control.
To my father, needing palliative care, having the hospital bed arrive, these were all losses to him because it meant that dad could not heal himself…the thing that he wanted to do most. To dad, the hospital bed meant total loss of control…. It meant failure.
But when it was time…when there was no more time...there was only pain and fear.
In order to actually die, though, you need to be able to wait with your line in the water…wait with your eyes closed in the morning light…still to the chill…waiting.
You cannot call a fish to the line and neither can you call death to your door.
Death arrives when she arrives.
She whispers to you, “All is okay. No need to be afraid. All is clear. It is almost time.” And when she comes, you don’t notice the chill.
You walk with her, hand in hand…towards the lightening sky.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Spam & Pomegranates
Today I take off on a flight of fancy.
So....
Spam, you know, is more than just unwanted email.
At one time, and still – and forevermore, it
was and is Mystery Meat, arriving as a gift in a blue tin package.
And so it was on the same radio show where Martha
Stewart talked about pomegranates that she also explained a great way to
prepare Spam.
Martha Stewart was, as you may or may not know, raised in a family of six
children.
So, she said, she knows a lot
about Spam.
First, she suggested, find some really, really good
butter. Slice the Spam thinly and fry in
that butter (kashrut laws not considered here) and then serve on very good
crusty country bread.
“It’s delicious”,
she offered.
Then, when asked about pomegranates – how to de-seed
them – she explained something complicated involving cutting and piercing and
whatnot.
Truth is, I didn’t really pay
much attention to that part because for me, pomegranates have always seemed so
remote…and now they are such a thing…a
health food, a trendy thing, that for me I avoid them because I am, above all –
stubborn, stubborn.
And secretly, I admit that I was afraid of
pomegranates in the same way I am afraid of vespa scooters. They are exciting and scary. They look really cool and fun and secretly I
would like to try but it has all seemed beyond me and – too much trouble.
But alas, this week I got inspired (and yes, a bit
excited) when I heard of a cookie that I could make with dates and pomegranate
seeds and almonds. Pomegranate, after
all, is a symbol of New Year. Because –
of the purported number of seeds – between 200 and 1400. It is thought that the average number of
seeds is 613 – the same number of commandments which God gave at Mount Sinai –
and that each teeny sweet seed represents a blessing for the New Year. Which…even in my limited math skills (I
cannot do trigonometry) seems like a heckofalot of blessings.
So I am looking at the cookie recipe and I am thinking
to myself: where am I going to get a pomegranate now that I am actually excited
for a new adventure of a new year cookie recipe? I ventured out! The first practical (ahem!) grocery store I
entered displayed them just inside the front door.
Eureka!
A sign that they were just for me!
Not even knowing how to choose them I bought two.
Just like that.
I thought to myself – now what??
They sat on my counter for four days until I was ready to begin the cookies.
Now I don’t know if you do this – but before I juice a
lemon, I roll it on the counter – back and forth, back and forth, using a small
amount of pressure in the very same way that you rock your children when they
are small (back and forth, but not on the counter, no…) and the way that you
sometimes find yourself in the grocery line still doing the swaying thing so as
to calm yourself, back and forth….
But ah, I digress.
Well, I was standing in the kitchen talking to my
husband and I looked down at my hands and noticed that absentmindedly I was
rolling the pomegranate on the counter beneath my palm. Oh no, I thought. What have I done? Have I squashed the thing? In the same way that you can feel bubbles in
dough or clay or muscles that are tense on one’s back, I felt the flesh of the
fruit loosen and then, acting completely on faith, I sliced open that fruit.
I turned half of the fruit over and seeds literally
just fell into the bowl. Then, I
flipped the skin inside out and the remaining seeds fell out. What, I ask, was
so terribly difficult about that? I
can’t possibly be the only person who knows this, can I? Somebody please tell Martha Stewart…and also
that guy who is selling the five-dollar thingamajig which is a gadget to remove
seeds that they are actually selling in the produce department.
Now that is Crazy.
If that mysterious and magical pomegranate, replete with
seeds and blessings could release all of its gifts with tender rolling embrace
then what promise there is for the world!!!
(this is where I could write that if we embraced and
rocked the world then it would release blessings but that would be a ridiculous
thing to write so I am not going to write that.)
But you know – those seeds are not just pure
sweetness. They have a narrow fruit
sweet layer surrounding hard stone. You
might also say that the seed is not all hard stone because it is surrounded by
something sweet.
But isn’t that like our lives?
Even the good has something difficult and the
difficult has a wee bit of good. Again,
the paradox.
The same can of
whoknowswhatkindofmeat to be found at truck stops and gas stations can be
sliced thing and with a bit of expensive butter can be
enjoyed, enjoyed on country
bread. A seed, you see, from a prized
pomegranate, like a blessing, can be released by a complicated maneuver or
simply -- by softening.
Could it be that all the times in my life when I did
stuff the hard way I could have just embraced and rolled gently and the problem
would release under my hands?
Could it also be possible that all the times I was
left with ‘spam’ because that was all that I could manage I could have made it
a luxury with only some imagination and crusty bread?
And how very interesting because as foods go, I could
easily think of pomegranates and Spam as opposites.
Just plain opposites in so many ways.
It’s the old game of the prince and the pauper: the
king and the peasant. But then -- doesn’t the king sometimes sneak out of the
palace to be among the people – just to have a bit of country bread with good
butter?
The wise and blessed pomegranate, after all, round to
represent time and life cycle and perspective and wisdom – was thought to be
very complicated.
She sneaks out of her palace…she goes out into the
country one day. Perhaps she is
misunderstood by her people. Some think
her difficult and remote.
But you know, she longs to know her people. She is out one afternoon to walk in the town
– hooded – so as not to reveal her late-summer rosy beauty. In the darkening dusk she peers into the
windows of the houses of her townspeople.
They are, in fact, dining on simple bread and butter. But, as all these stories go, they are
happy. Their houses are warm and there
is laughter.
How she yearns for the laughter. How she wants to share her blessings!
And somehow, without the use of a five-dollar gadget
from the produce department she can do just that.
She approaches one of the doors. She knocks.
A woman bids her to enter. She
can see only a hint of the scarlet pomegranate under the hood.
For a moment she pauses…afraid and
intimidated by the pomegranate’s presence.
But then she thinks…of all the doors in all the towns, the great
pomegranate came to my door.
Of all the
days in my life this was the day that she arrived. No, I will not send her away because I am
afraid, After all, it is not every day
that such a one comes here.
She draws
in her breath. She is afraid of the
richness but draws open the door – anyway.
The guest enters.
It is warm by the fire, her hostess says. Would you like a seat? This guest has a reputation for being
difficult so the hostess is unsure.
But yes, the pomegranate pulls back her hood to reveal
her splendor, her rising, ripening crown.
Thank you, she says. I would love
to sit for a few minutes. And so she
sits.
And so they talk.
The woman learns that a bit of conversation can warm
this guest. As the minutes wear on, the
pomegranate relaxes. She softens. Already the woman begins to feel the glow and
the wisdom in her simple life and is beginning to understand that they are, the
two of them, in fact….not all that different.
The hour now is late.
The pomegranate has enjoyed the company of she from
whom she thought quite remote. And now,
softened, rolled and lulled and rocked
by conversation and fire she rises to leave.
She stretches herself and, amazingly, rains blessings over the
woman. Seeds hard and sweet, sweet
stones…everywhere. Seeds of possibility
– hard and sweet. That is how they
arrive.
Rocks with honey and honey with rocks.
As it is in our lives…blessings are honey with
rocks…and rocks with honey.
The most gifted child, you may know…has life a bit more
difficult and is isolated – no one understands them.
-- Sometimes blessings don’t always feel like
blessings.
There is this word in Hebrew, ‘Rimon’, which
translates to Pomegranate.
Interestingly, it also translates to….hand grenade. Of course it is in English as
well….pome-granate…grain, grenadine, grenade.
The dangers, perhaps, of prosperity?
And yet, there is another story: a true story of a man
named Billy Ray. Here is a man without
a home, panhandling on the streets of Kansas City. One day a woman puts a few coins in the cup
he offers.
A few coins – and accidentally, her diamond engagement
ring. And after three days…she came
back to to him to ask if he has the ring.
He gave it to her.
The woman and her intended, this couple, was so touched that they started an online
donation fund hoping to raise one thousand dollars over three months for Billy
Ray – to show their appreciation.
But when the 90 days had ended, 8351 strangers had
donated a total of more than $190,000 from all over the world – for Billy Ray.
Billy Ray explained that he was raised, from the time
he was a little boy, by a minister – and that at that time he learned that integrity
is -- just part of a person.
Blessings from a stone.
As of the time of this writing, Billy Ray had bought
himself a car, put a down payment on a home and has reconnected with his
family.
You know,
sometimes interaction between two so different can soften us – and
possibly – anywhere between 200 and 1400 blessings (according to the experts)
can fall upon us.
Like late-season
butterflies or apple blossoms tossed about in storm…now petals on the pavement.
They remind us about pomegranates and Spam…the
complicated and the simple.
They are, after all, the best of friends.
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